Sometimes you SAY you want your problem solved, but you really don't. It sounds odd, I know. But, deep down, you know that if you had your problem solved, then you would lose the justification for why you feel what you feel! Pain, anger, sadness and everything else you feel in the sea of emotion are not necessarily productive, but they do make for an exciting experience. And the more you mix things up, emotionally, the more intense the experience.
So instead of really solving your problems, you just complain or try to devalue the person or circumstances you are supposedly upset over. Whether it's the lack of diversity in the Oscars or the way your spouse behaves, if you're continuously complaining, it's very likely that you're the problem.
Let's be clear; you're not to blame. In fact, I want you to let go of the need to blame ANYONE. Instead of blaming, I want you to simply hold yourself accountable for what you chose to do and how you chose to feel about the results. Resist the urge to get ahead of yourself and try to justify, deflect or deny.
For now, just stay focused what you chose to do and how you chose to feel about the results.
You'll know you've got it right when you can make a simple statement like this:
I chose to __________________________________________. As a result, __________________________________________ happened. In response, I chose to feel __________________________________________, __________________________________________ and __________________________________________.
This is a super powerful exercise because it can point you towards your emotional default. Why does this matter? It matters because, while data leads to conclusions, EMOTION drives action. Negative emotions drive negative actions, which result in negative experiences. Naturally, negative experiences generate negative emotions and the cycle continues.
For a variety of reasons, we all have an emotional comfort zone. More importantly, your emotional comfort zone is largely CONDITIONED by your habits of mind and social exposure. Today, consumer culture tends to exploit your feelings of depression and unhappiness in order to prompt you to buy things that will supposedly make you instantly feel better. They call it "neuroeconomics". In reality, however, you're being deliberately triggered to feel weak, sad, insecure, angry and worthless so that you can enjoy the temporary high that comes from buying a red dress, thigh high boots, the latest cell phone or a new car.
Consequently, you have to be hyper-vigilant about where you're REALLY coming from, emotionally. More significantly, I want you to be honest with yourself about the SOURCE of your negative emotions. No matter how much you smile and play the darling sweetheart, if you refuse to confront and TRANSCEND the negative elements of your emotional comfort zone, you'll still continue to emanate a negative vibration.
As people spend more and more time with you they might forget what you did and what you said. But they will definitely remember if your emotional default makes them feel terrible about themselves or good about themselves. Most importantly, how you make people feel is mostly what they'll give you in return. So, if you're not getting the kinds of emotional feedback that you want, it has everything to do with what you're REALLY sending out.
If your emotional comfort zone is so habitually negative that, even when your spouse, friends or community try to help you or cheer you up and you STILL show very little happiness, minimal excitement and almost no emotional vitality when they actually TRY to care for you, they will distance themselves from you. It's inevitable.
No matter how much they love you, no matter how much they pour into you, no matter how many emotional opportunities they offer you, it's up to you to CHOOSE your vibration. Consider what Ifa teaches in the Holy Odu IworiMeji:
A child is not tall enough to stretch his hand and reach the high shelf
An adults hands can not enter the mouth of a gourd
The work an adult begs a child to do
Let him not refuse to do
We all have work to do for each others good
Ifa divination was performed for Orunmila
About whom his disciple
Would make complaint to Olodumare
Olodumare then sent for Orunmila
To explain the reason why
He did not support his disciple
When Orunmila got to the presence of Olodumare
He explained that he had done all in his power for his disciple
But that the destiny chosen by the disciple made his efforts fruitless
It was then that the matter
Became quite clear to Olodumare
And he was happy
That he did not pronounce his judgment on the evidence of only one of the two parties
- Holy Odu IworiMeji
In this instance, Orunmila's disciple went to Olodumare to complain about what Orunmila had allegedly failed to do. But when Orunmila shared his side of the story, it became clear that the disciple actually refused to CHOOSE the blessings that Orunmila had prepared and presented.
The secret to happy relationships is ENERGY. Stop burning bridges. You do not have to keep starting over. Instead of changing partners, changing jobs, changing addresses or your social circle, change your ENERGY.
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Live the Medicine
Obafemi Origunwa, MA
Thought leader, Ifa priest and author of four definitive books, Obafemi Origunwa inspires metamorphosis through living the medicine that will heal your life and heal the lives of the people you're destined to serve.